Fan Mail
by Nerdherder51
Summary: Tinker Bell and her friends have gathered to answer some fan mail to be shown on the Disney Channel prior to the release of their new DVD. Things quickly get out of hand thanks to a certain fast flyer. Satire / Parody / Humor. Tinker Bell, Fawn, Iridessa, Rosetta, Silvermist, Vidia, Terence. Rated M for suggestive humor and some mild language. A third chapter has been added!
1. Chapter 1

**FAN MAIL**

**Disclaimer: Tinker Bell and Disney Fairies are the property of The Walt Disney Company. Tinker Bell originated by author J.M. Barrie.**

**This fan fiction is not for monetary or financial gain. It is intended solely for the entertainment of its audience.**

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><p>Tinker Bell and her friends have gathered in front of a pine forest with tall, green trees to answer some fan mail. Terence is in charge of lighting, while Bobble operates the camera and Clank manages the boom microphone. They are recording a session to be shown on the Disney Channel in bits during commercial breaks leading up to the release of the next Tinker bell direct to home video movie. In front of them are a giant, touch screen enabled, LED monitor. From this screen, they will access queries sent by email. Accompanying the LED monitor is a large mailbag full of letters from their fans.<p>

"Hi, everyone. Tinker Bell here with my fairy friends and we're going to answer some fan mail. Starting in January, I set up a website asking you, our wonderful fans, to send us questions by mail or email for us to answer. We will be showing your questions and our answers on Disney Channel all this month leading up to our newest DVD adventure _Disney's The Pirate Fairy_."

"Funny how they've taken your name off the titles on the last two films," Vidia says.

"It represents a shift from focusing only on me to all of us," Tinker Bell says diplomatically.

"Is that why Terence only had five seconds of total screen time in your last film?" Vidia replies.

"Oh stop it, Vidia," Rosetta tells her. "Now settle down and let's have a good time."

"I intend to, Ro," Vidia answers. "I intend to very much."

Tinker Bell starts things off by choosing a letter from the mailbag. "Okay, Victoria in London asks, 'Tinker Bell, do you and your friends actually bring the seasons to the mainland? Or is that just something invented for the movies. And if you do can you make it stop raining so much here?'"

She answers, "Yes, yes we do bring the seasons to the mainland, Victoria. As for your follow up, sorry we don't do requests."

"Here is one sent from Alejandro in Mexico City, Mexico. 'Dear Tinker Bell and friends. Do you bring the seasons only to the British Islands or the whole world?'"

"Alejandro, we bring the seasons to the whole world. Were kind of like Santa Clause, only we have wings instead of reindeer."

Vidia adds, "Tink has the Sexy Santa outfit to prove it."

"VIDIA!"

"What?"

"Hey, how come I've never seen the Sexy Santa outfit?" Terence asks.

"It's only available on the toy," Tinker Bell says sounding a bit annoyed, but trying to keep positive.

"Ooh, can I read the next one, Raindrop?" Silvermist asks.

"Sure. What do you want, email or snail mail?"

"Snails can write letters?" Silvermist asks with a surprised but clueless look on her face.

"Here," Tinker Bell says with a chuckle. She hands the water fairy a letter from the mailbag.

Silvermist opens the letter and starts reading it…to herself.

"Aloud! Read it aloud so we can all hear it," Vidia tells her with an annoyed tone.

"Heh, sorry. This one is for Fawn. It's written by Brent in Washington State, USA. Ooh, a British colony."

"Sil," Fawn says, "The United States is a separate country now."

"It is?! When did that happen?"

"Are you sure she isn't a 'water on the brain' talent?" Vidia declared with her usual snippy attitude.

"Don't listen to her," Rosetta says. "Now you read that letter there."

"He says, 'Fawn, you are my favorite fairy in the whole world. You're very pretty and I love your long, braided ponytail.'"

"Aww, isn't that sweet," Fawn says, her cheeks blushing.

Sil continued reading the letter from Brent. "'Fawn, will you go to the Junior / Senior prom with me this spring? I'll even pay for your dress.'"

"Brent, I'd love to," she answers.

"Fawn," Vidia whispers, "you do know that in the U.S., after the prom it is customary for the boy and girl to go out and have sex."

"OH, but look at my schedule," Fawn adds nervously. "Skunk training, bringing in the seasons, uh…, putting the mongoose on spin dry. Busy, busy, busy. Thanks anyway, Brent."

Rosetta gets a strange look on her face. "The mongoose on spin dry? You really are reachin' there aren't you?"

Fawn grins sheepishly. "Heh, I saw it on an episode of _Ducktales_." Then she leaned over and whispers to Vidia, "Thanks."

"For what?" the flyer whispers back. "You haven't had any in years. I thought you would jump at the chance."

"Gak! Do I look desperate?!"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Girls, girls," Tinker Bell interrupts. "Can we?" She then mumbles to them, "And ixnay on the exsay alktay."

"Good one, Tink, because humans can't speak Pig Latin," Vidia replied sarcastically.

"My turn," Rosetta says cheerily as she reads a letter by email. "Okay, this one is from Sven in Norway to Iridessa. He asks, 'You always follow the rules in the movies, almost to the point of nervous compulsion. Is this an accurate portrayal or are you a crazy bad ass who raises hell and treats boys like your personal playthings in real life?'"

"WHAT!" Tinker Bell screeched. "How did that get in there? Des, you don't have to answer that."

"Oh I'll answer it," the light talent fairy says. "Sven, I'm not anything like that. I follow the rules because I believe they exist for a reason, to protect us from harm and sometimes from ourselves. And I'm not loose with my morals, either. I recognize that I'm a role model for young girls and I take that responsibility very seriously."

"Good answer, Des," Tinker Bell says. "Sven, Iridessa is the most upstanding of all us. And that's saying something. Each and everyone one of us treats our role model responsibilities with the gravity it deserves. Even Vidia."

"Speak for yourself, tinker fairy" Vidia replies, much to the amusement of Fawn and Rosetta. Tink glares at the fast flyer, but continues.

"We are very careful about how we are perceived in the media. So we go out of our way to avoid any controversial, unglamorous or vulgar lifestyle choices in our personal lives. Our movies are intended for the whole family. With this in mind we all work hard to be as family friendly as possible both on and off camera. I hope that answers your question, Sven."

"I don't even like to look at myself naked," Iridessa suddenly adds. "I keep my eyes shut tight when I'm taking a bath."

Vidia, and the others burst into laughter while Tinker Bell face palms. "We didn't need to know _that_, Dessa."

"Oops, sorry."

Tinker Bell just wanted to move on as quickly as possible.

"Okay, next letter," Tinker Bell said. She gave Vidia a handwritten letter.

"Alright, now this one is from Capucine in Aix-les-Bains, France," she said. "It's addressed to someone named 'Clochette.' Who's Clochette?"

"Oh, that's me," Tinker Bell said. "That's my name in French."

Vidia is silent for a moment. "I can't read this. It's in French. Anyone here read French?"

"I can," Fawn said.

"You?!" the other girls reply, shocked.

"Wait a minute!" Vidia said with a furrowed brow. "You can't even speak Spanish. How can you speak French?"

"I learned it online," Fawn replied. "It's a very lovely language."

"But you're Hispanic," Vidia indicated. "You're supposed to speak Spanish!"

"What?! Vidia do you know how awful that sounds?" Fawn said, angry and hurt. "You're saying that because of the color of my skin I am supposed to do certain things. That is so mean. You don't see Silvermist speaking Chinese, do you?"

"I speak Mandarin," Silvermist said.

Fawn glared at the water fairy. "Way to stick up for me, Sil."

"Just read the letter," Tinker Bell pleaded.

Fawn took the paper and began to translate. "Dear, Tinker Bell. You and Terence are my favorite pairing in your movies."

"Aww, how sweet," Tinker Bell replied.

"When are the two of you going to get together as a couple? And will you ever consider marrying him?"

Tinker Bell laughed a bit. "Capucine, Terence and I have been together for a long time now. Remember, the movies take place during the late Victorian Area. We got married a good while ago."

Tink then looked to her right, off camera. "Terence, you remember our anniversary? Don't you?"

"Yeah, sure," he said. He put his left hand to his head and closed his eyes to think. "It's uhh..., June 15, 1957."

"He remembered," Rosetta said sounding a bit surprised. "I can't even get Sled to remember the month much less the day. All he cares about is that we are married. The actual day has little meaning to him. You are so lucky, Tinker Bell."

What Tinker Bell or the girls didn't know was that Terence had the date inscribed on his wedding band so he wouldn't actively have to remember it. It was why he put his left hand up to his head and feigned being in deep thought. If she ever found out, he would be dead meat.

"Okay, who is next?" Tink asked.

"Well, since Fawn had to translate the last letter, I would like to take my turn again," Vidia said.

"Go right ahead," Tink answered. "Maybe try an email this time."

Vidia looked at the monitor and slid her fingers up the screen to move the list. She kept scrolling through the emails.

"Today, Vidia," Rosetta complained. "I want to get back my gardens."

"Ah, here is the one I want," she said. Vidia tapped the screen and opened the missive. "Oh, it's for Silvermist from Brisco in Miami, Florida. Who names their kid Brisco?"

"Maybe they were fans of that old tv show, _The Adventures of Brisco Country, Jr_.?" Silvermist asked.

Vidia wanted to skewer the water talent with another sharp remark, but didn't. "Y'know, that almost makes sense. Okay, Brisco wants to know 'Silvermist, sometimes you act very Sapphic? Is that who you really are?"

"Oh I get that quite a bit," Silvermist answered. "We do look alike, especially with the pointed ears and dark hair."

"Look like who?" Fawn asked.

"Saavik," Silvermist replied. "From _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_. I really enjoyed Kirstie Alley's performance. When Robin Curtis replaced her in _Star Trek III_, she left me feeling cold."

"No, not Saavik," Vidia corrected. "Sapphic!"

"What does that mean?" Iridessa asked.

"Here, let me check on my iPhone," Fawn said. The animal talent fairy tapped her iPhone and opened the dictionary app. She typed in the word as Vidia spelled it out to her. "Okay, Sapphic means 'Of or relating to the Greek goddess Sappho or her poetry.' Alternatively, it can mean 'of or relating to Lesbians.'"

"WHAT?!" Tinker Bell shrieked. "How did that get in there? When I set up the web page, I specifically said only questions that were kid safe and family friendly! I even added filters to reject questions based on certain key words!"

Tinker Bell went to the web page from her iPad and found that something had been changed, "IT'S GONE! THAT QUALIFIER IS GONE! It says 'all questions welcome, even adult or the taboo.' I didn't write that!" Then she looked at the code behind the page and discovered something else. "My filters are missing! There aren't any filters! What happened to my filters and web page?"

"Oh, I changed those, sweetie," Vidia said.

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Tinker Bell shrieked. "These are supposed to be kid safe and family friendly, Vidia!"

"Where is the fun in that?" she answered.

"Vidia, our biggest fan base is young girls and their mothers. I can't have them watching this smut on the Disney Channel; no one will buy our DVD."

"Hey, don't you think I know that?" Vidia replied. "I've got a big fat contract on the line, too, y'know. I don't want to lose it and the nice paychecks it brings in."

"Then why did you change the web page?" Tinker Bell asked.

"Oh, that. I changed it right before we started this morning," Vidia told her. "However, I did amend your html code to send all those rejected questions to my inbox. I added them to the list before you ever noticed. I did the same thing with the letters we got, too."

"Well, we can't use any of this, Vidia. Now we're going to have to pick out all the nasty letters and emails and start over."

"Oh, c'mon, Tink," Fawn said. "Why don't we just have fun and answer some of the juicier letters. Then we will reshoot this with only the kid safe letters later, in another recording session."

"What about all that stuff that Iridessa said about being responsible off camera?" Tinker Bell said.

"We're responsible, not dead," Rosetta answered.

"Yeah, I don't mind having a little fun," Iridessa stated.

"We can keep this one for ourselves and save it for when we need a good laugh," Silvermist suggested. Everyone one gawked at the water talent. "What did I say this time?"

"No, it was perfectly logical!" Fawn said.

"Maybe she really is Sapphic? I mean Saavik. Oh for crying out loud, now she's got me doing it," Vidia said.

"C'mon, Tink, please?" Fawn pleaded.

Tinker Bell didn't want to, but she finally caved in. "Okay, okay. I suppose we can try it this way."

"Alright," Silvermist cheered. "Now, to answer the question, I am not Saavik."

"Ugh! And she is right back to normal," Vidia declared.

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><p><strong>END PART ONE<strong>

**I do hope you enjoyed this first part. Part 2 will be posted soon. I should warn you, though, it only gets worse from here.**

**Reviews are always appreciated. Thank you for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**.**

**FAN MAIL**

**Chapter 2**

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><p>"Okay, let's get to the next letter," Tinker Bell announces.<p>

Iridessa pulls a letter from the mailbag. "Okay, this one is addressed to all of us. Oh, well now that's interesting. It's from Hong Jiang in China. 'Tinker Bell and friends, there are many people who write fan fiction. Do you ever read these stories by your fans?' Wow, what a great question."

"Yeah," Tinker Bell said. "Hong, I'm sorry to say we don't read fan fiction. It's not because we don't want to, but to avoid legal problems. If we read a story that could make a good movie or part of a movie and choose to use it then we would have to purchase the story and that leads to long and drawn out negotiations. If we read a story and say, later on use it or a character forgetting its source we could be sued for plagiarism. So to avoid any of those kinds of legal hassles, we don't. Sorry!"

"Also, our lawyers told us we couldn't read fan fiction or we would lose our contracts with Disney," Vidia amended.

"Vidia! Stop!" Tinker Bell scolded.

"What? It's the truth."

"I know, but please, let's not upset our fans, okay?"

"Okay, fine."

"Thank you for your letter, Hong," Tinker Bell said. "Now, how about the next one."

"I'll take it," Fawn said.

"Be my guest," Tink answered.

Fawn scrolled through the emails, randomly choosing a letter to read. "Okay, let's see what we have here. This is from Mara in South Africa addressed to Rosetta and Sled. 'Dear Rosetta and Sled, you're my favorite couple, when are you two getting married and will you have any children?"

"Oh, Mara, thank you for the wonderful question," Rosetta said. "Sled and I have been married for a while now. Unfortunately, fairies like us can't have children, I'm sorry to disappoint you on that one. Only the queen and her consort can have babies. Of course, that doesn't mean we don't have a good time tryin' if you get my drift."

"Oka-ay, let's move to another question," Tink said. "Here is another one for, oh another one for Rosetta and Sled."

"Oh, looks like we're gettin' plenty of love from the fans tonight," Rosetta cooed.

"It's from J. Jameson in the United States. 'Rosetta and Sled, would you two ever consider doing a porn flick?'"

"What?!" Rosetta shouted. "What kind of idiot asks a stupid question like that?"

"Hah, yeah, that's not going to happen," Fawn chuckled. "With Rosetta it's more like bouncing off the walls, break the furniture, screaming like a banshee, illegal in 138 countries kind of sex. I don't think even hard core distributors could sell that."

Rosetta became absolutely furious with the animal fairy. "How dare you!" she exploded. "What Sled and I do in our bedroom is none of your business, Fawn! And if I had wanted to let anyone else know what we do I would have told them! This is the worst breach of trust I have ever experienced, you can just find yourself another garden fairy to call your friend! Is that clear?!"

"I'm…, I'm so sorry, Rosetta," Fawn said, near tears. "I was just joking. I had no idea-."

"It doesn't matter if what you said was a joke or not, what stings is that you said it at all," Rosetta blasted. The garden fairy turned away from Fawn.

"Rosetta what can I do to make it up to-,"

Suddenly the garden fairy wheeled around, stuck her face into Fawn's, and roared, "And for your information, _it's one hundred and thirty __**nine**_ countries!"

"What?"

Rosetta started laughing. "Oh, sugarplum, I'm just teasin' you."

"Oh-, ooh. I thought you were being serious," Fawn said, very relieved. "So does this mean we're still friends?"

"Of course, it does. I wouldn't toss away our friendship so easily," Rosetta answered. Fawn and Rosetta hugged.

"So, one hundred and thirty nine, huh?" Fawn asked, jokingly.

"Actually, it's more," Rosetta answered matter of factly.

Fawn started laughing, "Sure, sure."

"Oh, let me tell you, that Sled can make my legs quiver like you wouldn't believe," Rosetta continued.

"What?!" Fawn said.

"Oh, Sugarpie, haven't you heard?" Rosetta asked. "Once you go winter, you _never_ go back."

Tinker Bell and the others just gawked at the garden fairy.

"Y'know, that poor Minister of Spring never had a chance with Queen Clarion once Lord Milori was back in the picture," Rosetta kept on explaining. "Why do you think they made him the Lord of Winter in the first place? They even have a sayin' in the Winter Woods, 'The bigger the wings, the bigger th-,"

"Nope! No more! That is way too much information than any of us ever needed," Iridessa said.

"-libido," Rosetta finished. "What did you think I was going to say? Hmm?"

"I still don't want to hear it," Dessa answered.

"Speak for yourself," Vidia replied. "I want to hear more about the winter sparrow men and their big wings."

"I knew this was going to be a bad idea," Tinker Bell groaned while she palmed her face. She did notice, however, that Terence and the boys were looking a little jealous as the girls were discussing the winter sparrow men and their considerable prowess.

"Can we just move on to the next question?" Tink asked.

"My turn again," Rosetta said. "Okay, this one is from Rhea in South Africa."

Silvermist chirped up, "I wonder that is?"

"Africa!" Vidia said with a snippy tone.

"Well, then I guess it worked out nicely that it's called South Africa," Silvermist replied.

"Somebody hit her before I do," Vidia said bluntly.

"Are you two done?" Rosetta asked. "Good. Now then, she writes, 'Tinker Bell, I love your movie _Secret of the Wings_. I'm so glad that Queen Clarion and Lord Milori could get back together. Do Queen Clarion and Lord Milori have a song they claim as their own?'"

"Rhea, I'm not sure if the royal couple has a song like that," Tinker Bell answered.

"Sure they do," Vidia interrupted. "Spike told me that when Lord Milori takes the queen into his castle he always plays that James Bond song _Nobody Does It Better_ by Carly Simon."

"Okay, too much information again," Iridessa stated. "Next letter, next letter."

"Oh, I'll take that one," Silvermist replied. She took a handwritten letter, opened it and read it aloud. "This is from Janice in San Francisco, California. Oh, another letter from Mexico."

"Sil, California's not…oh never mind," Iridessa said, frustrated.

"Okay, Janice wants to know, 'Tinker Bell, there is a lot of fan fiction that is femslash. Plenty of it ships you and Vidia. Have you ever had a relationship with her? Or at least a one night stand?'"

"WHAT?! NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! Janice, I'm with Terence and I have absolutely no attraction to Vidia at all. She is just a friend and w-MMMMMMMM…!"

Vidia grabbed Tinker Bell and planted a huge, long and wet kiss on her. The jaws of both Bobble and Clank just dropped. Terence looked horrified.

Silvermist said, "Awe, how sweet. They're being friendly."

Fawn started turning green, as did Iridessa. Rosetta turned her head and started saying, "Just think of Sled, just think of Sled."

"…MMMMPHHWAH!"

"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Tinker Bell screamed. "Blagh, blagh, blagh. I think I'm going to throw up."

"Wow, Vidia, I didn't know you flew that way," Fawn said, rather shocked.

"Oh, I don't," the flyer said, "but I'm always willing to give Tinker Bell a hard time when the opportunity presents itself."

Tinker Bell stepped off to the side and started to retch. "Bleeaaaauuuurrrggghhhh! Hooouuuuuuggggghhhh!"

"Oh please, it wasn't that bad," Vidia informed Tinker Bell. "In fact, it was probably the best kiss you ever received."

"What!? No, it wasn't," Tinker Bell shrieked. "Terence is a much better…, he can kiss rings…, you aren't…, augh!"

"Yeah, I thought so," Vidia laughed. "Poor Terence is going to have to live in my shadow from now on."

"No he's not," Tinker Bell responded.

"Tinker Bell, I just gave you the greatest kiss you will ever experience," Vidia began. "And you will have to spend the rest of your married life lip locking with Terence knowing that the best kiss you ever got was from a girl. Not from him."

"Whoa!" Iridessa interjected.

"Yeah, that's the prank that keeps on pranking," Fawn commented.

"Vidia why are you so jealous of me and Terence?" Tinker Bell asked. "We're friends, but you always get so crazy when the conversation turns to me and Terence? Did you want him?"

"Hah! Never tinker fairy," Vidia answered. "I'm not jealous, but your devotion to Terence makes you such an easy target and I never turn one of those down. Of course, if I did want him, he would be mine without question."

Tinker Bell fumed.

"Don't take it so personally, Tink," Rosetta said. "Vidia does the same thing to me when it comes to Sled. She just can't stand to see couples happily in love."

"Why don't you just move on to another question, Tink," Fawn said. Tinker Bell's face had turned red with anger. It was all directed at the fast flyer who had been entertaining herself at the expense of everyone else here today. This was the cherry on top for Vidia and it made Tinker Bell furious that she couldn't get back at her.

"Here's one," Fawn said. "It's from Vidia in Pixie Hollow. Hey, you can't submit your own letters. It's against the rules."

"Read it," Vidia instructed. "Go ahead. I want to hear the answer."

"Okay, 'Tinker Bell, how is Terence in bed?'"

"That is personal!" Tinker Bell shouted.

"Tink, I'll answer that," Terence said. Everyone looked at him. Tinker Bell in particular, who was expecting an answer that would only give Vidia even more ammunition to needle her.

"That's okay, Terence," Tink said through clenched teeth behind a giant, phony smile.

"No. I'll do it," he said with his usual pleasant grin. "Vidia, remember I'm the best dust keeper in Pixie Hollow and I **_ALWAYS_**deliver."

This elicited whoops, cheers and applause from the other girls. "WHOA! Oh yeah, Tinker Bell. Woohoo. Alright! Terence keeps those home fires burning bright," they all said.

Vidia simply gave her usual dismissive answer. She rolled her eyes, crossed her arms, turned her back on Tink and Terence and gave a "harrumph!" to everyone.

Tinker Bell was so tickled by his response she danced over to Terence and gave him a kiss on the lips.

"Ooh!" Terence and his kiss enraptured Tink. So much so, that she kissed him again. Terence kissed her back with such intense passion that they almost didn't hear the girls cheering them on. She could imagine how much this burned Vidia, so Tink went so far as to take Terence's hand and aggressively planted it on her butt, which he gladly grabbed, squeezed and caressed with gusto.

When they parted lips each took in several deep breaths. "Wo-ow!" she said giving Terence a dreamy, love struck look.

"Yeah!" was his reply, his face telling her how pleased he was that she was happy.

She turned around to face Vidia and the girls. Terence kept his arms wrapped around Tink's sultry body and slid his hands up and down her hourglass figure. He kissed her cheeks and neck and then whispered into her ear saying, "There is plenty more where that came from."

She giggled and twittered.

"You lose, Vidia," Tink announced. "You may be the better kisser, but Terence is the better smoocher."

"What's the difference?" Vidia asked.

"It's very simple," Tink answered. "Your kiss may have been technically more polished, but it was an empty void, lacking any depth or meaning. When Terence kisses me, I can feel within it the depth of his love and devotion for me. It is full of energy and heart, and conveys enormous meaning and passion. It makes his smooches very memorable and infinitely more satisfying."

"Good answer," he told her, putting his lips to hers one more time.

Tink looked at him with such love and delight. "Can you make another delivery tonight, dust keeper?" she asked him.

"I'll make two," he answered her. He kissed her one last time before she shuffled back to the camera.

Vidia gave Tinker Bell a sneer before curling up one side of her lips in a smile. "Okay, Tink, you win this round. But I'll get you next time."

"Keep on trying, Vidia, but you'll never win," Tink answered.

"We'll see about that," Vidia replied.

"Okay, so what's the next letter?" Tink said, moving on with their private little show. She felt so good right now, that nothing could spoil her grand mood. Well, almost nothing.

Fawn took the next email and read from it. "Oh, this one is for Tinker Bell, it's from Cynthia in Rochelle, Wisconsin. Oh, the dairy state."

"Is that where all the milk in the world comes from?" Silvermist asked curiously.

"I'm not even going to bother," Fawn said. "Okay, Cynthia writes, 'Tinker Bell, I sat down to watch your first movie with my two little girls, aged 3 and 5.'"

"Awe, how sweet, a mom who shares her time with her little girls," Tink said with a smile.

"Let me see, where was I? Oh yeah. 'I was horrifically surprised to see you change into that tiny dress and then present yourself while wearing it to the two men you work with. It was appalling. I turned off the video at that instant and took the film back to the video store where I bought it and got a refund. I could not believe that you would wear such a tight, short and revealing skirt in a movie aimed at little girls.'"

"'I heard that in your second film you dressed more appropriately. I screened it alone, but learned that you didn't change into less revealing attire until later in the movie. And the gratuitous panty shots when you were around that boy was even more disturbing. Is that the lesson you want girls to learn from you? Dress in teeny, tiny dresses and show off your panties? I am never going to play your movies to my little girls again until you stop dressing like a two dollar whore!"

"I DO NOT DRESS LIKE A WHORE!" Tinker Bell shrieked in disbelief and anger. "Do I look like I dress like a hooker? I do not dress like a wh-MmphhmMMphMmph!"

Vidia slapped her hands over Tink's mouth and, while looking directly into the camera, said, "Cynthia, you have to understand something. When you _only_ charge your Jon's two dollars a pop, this is all the dress you can afford."

Tinker Bell slapped Vidia's arm away and screamed with boundless fury, "ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT. I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU!"

Tinker Bell charged forward and tackled Vidia, slamming the flyer into the ground. The two fairies rolled around and grappled for a moment while they yelled and screamed at each other all manner of fairy obscenities and insults.

The girls watched in horror as the two friends fought. Silvermist just shook her head and said, "And they call me Sapphic."

Vidia and Tinker Bell instantly stopped fighting. "Did she just call us a pair of Lesbians?" Vidia said.

"That's what I heard," Tinker Bell replied.

The two girls glared at Silvermist, shooting daggers at her.

"Uh oh," Iridessa said. "This doesn't look good."

"GET HER!" Vidia cried out. She and Tinker Bell launched themselves into the air at the water talent fairy.

"RUN, SIL, RUN!" Fawn bellowed. Silvermist flew off at top speed to get away from the Tink and Vidia. She zipped around the pine trees and back and forth in front of the camera while Iridessa, Fawn and Rosetta stayed in hot pursuit to stop Vidia and Tinker Bell from doing something they might regret.

"What do we do know, Bobble?" Clank asked.

"I'm going to the Winter Woods," Bobble replied. "I have a date with Gliss. I think it's time we took our relationship to the next level."

"You're going to climb up to another level? Why?" he asked. "You have wings, you could just fly up there."

Bobble sighed. "Just forget it, Clanky." The short, redheaded tinker sparrow man made a beeline for the Winter Woods and his date, the hyperactive frost fairy, Gliss.

"What about you, Terence?" Clank asked the blonde dust keeper.

"I'm just waiting for Tinker Bell to wear down so I can take her back home," the boy answered. "Hopefully I can get her in the mood again."

"Oh, right. Mood, I get it," Clank said. "So, what am I going to do?"

"Whatever you want, Clank," Terence said. "Whatever you want."

"Oh, well, in that case, I want to answer some mail." Clank stepped in front of the camera and plucked a letter from the mailbag.

"This one is from Emile in Paris, France. Oh, this one is for Bobble and me. 'Dear Clank and Bobble, I saw you two living in the same hut. Are you gay?'" Clank looked right into the camera and said. "Yes, we are, Emile. We are very happy and cheery people."

"No, Clank, not that kind of gay," Terence tried to explain. "You're thinking of the old definition of the word. Emile is using the new definition."

Clank wore a very confused look on his face.

"You see, Clank, what Emile wants to know is…, you have no idea what I'm saying, do you?"

"Not a clue, Terence."

"Never mind. I'm going to try to catch Tink." Terence lauched into the air after the girls who were now somewhere deep in the piney woods.

"Okay, let's see, how about another one," Clank said looking for something interesting to answer. He found a letter on the ground and picked it up. "One of the girls must have dropped this one." He read it and then answered. "Of course, Brent from Washington State, Fawn would love to go with you to the Prom. And I can guarantee you're going to have a wonderful time with her. Yes you will."

"I'm pretty good at this," he says. "Let's see what other mail I can answer."

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><p><strong>I'm thinking that Fawn is going to be mad at Clank very soon. Very, very mad.<strong>

**Okay, well that is the end of FAN MAIL, I hope you enjoyed this little humor fiction. **

**Thank you for reading my stories and as always a review is well appreciated.**


	3. Chapter 3

**MORE FAN MAIL (ALMOST)**

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><p>Tinker Bell and her friends have gathered once again in the pine forest to shoot a follow up to their Fan Mail commercials. Clank is operating the camera, Terence is operating the lights and Bobble is managing the boom microphones.<p>

"Hi, everyone," Tinker Bell begins. "With the release of _The Pirate Fairy_ we've decided to take more fan letters and answer them on Disney Channel. The gang's all here and later we're going to have a special treat. Zarina is going to join us. Isn't that great?"

"Yeah! And this time there won't be any problems from Vidia," Fawn adds. "Isn't that right Vid?"

All the girls turn and look towards the fast flyer. To prevent Vidia from causing the same problems as last time she has been tied to a sapling and her mouth is gagged.

"Mmmmpmmmmmppmmmppph!" she protests while struggling to get out of her bonds.

Tinker Bell and her friends giggle. "Okay, Vidia," Tinker Bell tells her, "we'll untie you _if_ you promise to behave this time."

"Ummmphh!" she growls. Vidia sighs and agrees, "Mmkmmm."

"Okay, but first you have to do something for us," Tinker Bell amends. "You have to give Clank a kiss."

"Ummmm!?"

"Uh huh. Full, on the lips, _with tongue_!"

"Ummm mmm, ummm mmm," Vidia mumbles through her gag. She shakes her head and to tries break out of her bonds.

"Nope, sorry, it's the only way we'll let you out," Tink says. She crosses her arms, taps her foot and quirks an eyebrow at her. One corner of her mouth curls up in a smirk.

"I'll get the camera," Rosetta chimes in excitedly. "Go ahead, Clank. Give your best girl a big kiss."

Vidia squeals in terror through her gag. "MMMMMMMMMMMM!" Her eyes become as wide as saucers while she struggles to escape the stem twine holding her to the sapling.

"Oh, I've been waiting years for this," Clank tells her nervously as he walks up to the purple clad flyer. "I've always had a soft spot in my heart for you, Ms. Vidia. You're so pretty and… and… witty and you're so very talented."

Vidia yells and screams trying to tell him to get away, but it comes out as loud, screaming mumbles and muffled sounds. She wriggles and bounces and sways and shifts to pull away from him as he steps closer to her. The ropes which bind her to the sapling are tied too well and she can't move from her spot.

"I'm so happy you agreed to kiss me, Ms. Vidia," Clank says. "I didn't know you thought about me in the same way I think about you."

"Ummmm!? Ummm mmm, Ummm mmm," Vidia answers, shaking her head _no_.

Clank turns to the others. "I thought you said she wanted me to kiss her?"

"Oh, Clank, she's just playin' hard to get," Rosetta tells him. "All us girls do that. It's how we get men to prove how much they love us."

The fat tinker sparrow man gives Rosetta a strangle look. It takes him a moment, but he quickly gets what she is telling him and laughs. "Oh, I get it. She _wants_ me to kiss her."

"Yeah, that's it," Fawn confirms.

"Oooh, go ahead, Clank," Silvermist prods him. "I want to see her reaction to being kissed by the man she loves most."

Iridessa elbows the water talent, stifling a laugh.

"What's so funny?" Sil asks her.

"Never mind, Sil," Dessa replies. "Let's just watch."

Vidia glares at Tinker Bell and the others. She mumbles something at them that sounds like "I'll get you for this," but it was hard for anyone to be certain.

The other girls giggle in delight as they stare.

"Clank! Don't forget the…," Bobble makes a squirting motion into his mouth with his fingers.

"Oh, right." Clank draws out a small bottle of mint spray and squirts some into his mouth. Vidia just makes muffled shouts realizing just how close she is to getting kissed by the one guy she dislikes the most. Clank puts the spray bottle away and puckers his lips in anticipation. Tinker Bell walks over and unties the gag. She pulls it away and Clank plants his lips right on Vidia's.

"MMMMMMPPPHHHHPPMMMPPHPHPHPMMMMMMPHPHHPHPMPPHHHHHMMP…!" Clank kisses her and slides his tongue in her mouth. He tussles and plays with her tongue as she tries desperately to keep her tongue away from his. He keeps his eyes close, but Vidia keeps hers open in wide eyed terror.

When the kiss ends, Clank has turn beet red and giggles.

Vidia, not so much. "YYEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! BLAH! BLAH! PTOOEY! OH, HIS TONGUE TOUCHED MINE. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO VIOLATED IN MY-. Wait."

Tinker Bell starts snickering. The other girls ring out in peals of laughter. "What's wrong, Vidia? Was it something you 'ate'?"

The other girls fall down, laughing even harder. Tinker Bell begins to untie Vidia and adds, "This is what you get for pulling that nasty prank on me last time."

Freed from her bonds Vidia smirks and announces, "Oh, no, Tinker Bell. I should be thanking you."

"Huh?" Tink replies.

"Who knew that Clank here was such a great kisser," Vidia says, a plan formulating in her head. "In fact, he is nothing like I thought. He doesn't smell, his hands are smooth and his touch really sends tingles up and down my wings."

"I do?" Clank replies, scratching his head in confusion.

"Oh yes you do, lover boy," Vidia insists. "Now pucker up for momma." She leaps into his arms and plants a huge kiss on him. Clank laughs, feeling like he never has before.

"Thanks, Miss Vidia."

"We're officially dating now, Clankie-poo," she says. "It's just Vidia."

"Clankie-poo?" Tink and the other girls say in unison, all of them feeling a little sick to their stomachs.

"In fact, why wait," Vidia says. "I want you right now!" She rips off his tunic, revealing his huge belly. Then she pushes him to the ground, jumps on top of him and starts to smooch him aggressively.

"Whoa! That wasn't supposed to happen," Fawn says, totally freaked out.

"TAKE ME NOW, CLANK," Vidia shouts. "I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW MUCH WE'RE IN LOVE!"

"What?!" Tinker Bell shrieks. "No! You can't do that! Not out here. This is for kids, not a porn flick."

"That's it!" Vidia yells excitedly. "Rosetta, turn that camera over here. Clank and I are going to make an all-out porn movie and charge people to see it on the internet."

"We are?" Clank asks.

"Oh, yes we are," Vidia says, starting to undo her blouse.

Clank pushes her back. "Uh, Vidia. I don't know anything about making a foreign film. I don't even speak a second language."

"Not foreign, porn," Vidia corrects.

"Well, I can't speak that language, either," Clank answers. "Why don't we just take it slow?"

Vidia's gleeful look turns sour. "Are you? Are you breaking up with me?"

"NO! No, but I think we should take it easy," Clank says, trying to explain himself.

She gasps. "You're dumping me aren't you?" Vidia begins to pout. "It's that new art talent fairy, isn't it? You think she's prettier than me."

"No, I think you're wonderf…,"

"Don't sugar coat it!" Vidia screams, acting enraged. "You're cheating on me! You two timing, backstabbing, no good, lecherous scum! I'm going to pound you into tinker jelly!"

"Clank, RUN!" Bobble shouts.

Vidia balls up her fist and swings to punch him. Clank dodges, but just barely. He scurries out from under her and flies off, his wings flapping as hard as he can make them.

"Come back here!" Vidia shouts at him furiuosly. She bolts after him, chasing the frightened sparrow man around the pine forest. She shakes her fist at him and yells, "Come here and take your medicine like a man!"

Clank yells in fear as he tries to outpace the fast flyer. Tinker Bell and her friends just look in stunned confusion. Finally, Tink sighs and throws up her arms in defeat. "CUT!" she yells. "That's it, I'm done with this fan mail thing. Let's all just go home."

**~O~**

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><p><strong>~O~<strong>

Some distance away, Clank ducks behind a tree to hide from Vidia. She zips around the same tree trunk and finds him hiding there. "There you are, Clank."

"Well?"

Vidia peaks back around the tree trunk. "You were terrific! They bought every bit of it. Ha-ha what a great prank. I can't believe you sold Tinker Bell on the idea of tying me up so you could kiss me. Brilliant work."

"Thanks! Oh, I had so much fun, Ms. Vidia," Clank tells her. "I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable. Y'know, when I kissed you."

"Nope. It really _was_ a great kiss. You're nothing like I expected."

Vidia and Clank kept laughing as they watched Tinker Bell and her friends console each other. "I almost feel sorry for Tinker Bell. Almost."

"Uh…, Ms. Vidia. I wanted to ask you something," Clank began, stumbling over his words and looking worried.

"What is it, Clank?"

"Well…, I was wondering…, well, would…, would you be my date to the Winter Festival in January?" he asked. "You can say no if you want."

Vidia was taken aback by his request. She looked at him. Clank held his head low, almost as if in shame for asking her that question. She smiled. "Yeah, Clank. I'd love to." She then gave him a peck on the cheek.

"Really?"

"No!"

"Oh. It's okay. A pretty fast flyer like you wouldn't want to be seen with a fat, ugly tinker like me," he said, looking heartbroken. "I did have fun today."

"Clank. I was just kidding. I would love to be your date." She kissed him, pleasantly on the lips. "But no grabbing my butt."

"Don't worry. I won't. I'll be most respectful."

"Clank?"

"Yes?"

"Don't ever change."

"I won't."

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><p><strong>I hope you enjoyed this new chapter for FAN MAIL! Thanks for reading.<strong>


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